Let Your Partner Be Capable

I find it interesting that the skills I use easily in one arena of my life don’t always cross over into others. With clients it’s my job to show them where they are capable and to guide them to expand it. With my spouse, though, this has been much harder.

Our first born was a really hard baby. My friends used to look and me and say, “how are you doing this?” My husband worked...a lot. I always thought it was because he was worried about us having money, and a bit of it was, but I now know it was more that he was afraid of being a father, especially to our challenging son. So he worked instead.

Fast forward and we have had periods of my husband being home more and then back to periods of him working constantly. This was never really a big deal with me, as I was raised with a dad who was never not working. I ran everything at home and was the parent in our house and my husband made the money.

I thought this worked, until I found myself slowly withering inside. Since I have begun to make knowing and loving myself a priority and I now have a life I love in addition to my family, my husband has become more of a part of our daily family life.

At first I just thought this was him picking up slack, now I believe differently. When I was the one in charge all the time, there wasn’t room for my husband as a daily parent. He didn’t really fit. I remember this also from when I was a kid, if my dad was home more than just for vacation we all thought “what is he doing here?”

When space opened up for my husband within our family, he was able to step up and share as a parent, not in my way, but in his own. I realized I was part of the issue. I was holding on tight and there wasn’t space for him to be a part of parenting.

It’s still a bit tricky and I’m still learning. I find myself sometimes thinking “that’s not how I would have done it”, but we’ve gotten better at communicating and finding middle ground.